I know I said recently that I don't usually share very personal things on this blog, but I've been working with this issue in my head the past few weeks... okay, years... and tonight I just feel like venting. So, skip this post if you want... I mostly just need to get my thoughts out of my brain.
I am not a very patient person.
I've felt this particular facet of myself very sharply in the past few months. There are certain things that I think need to happen for me and for my family, and these things, both big and small, have not happened the way I would like them to. When I was a teenager, my dad would often remind me that the world does not revolve around me, and I lately, I feel that teeth-grinding phrase sneaking back into my thoughts, another reminder that even though I'm an adult, this concept still holds true.
A few weeks ago, our Stake President spoke in our ward. He started out by going through a survey he had taken himself of people in this area on what they don't like about people in the church. It was really funny, and I have to admit that almost everything he said was something I had complained about at one point or another, except for gum-chewing, which Chris and I both do. As he went on, the comments became less funny as it started to hit home to me how critical and unforgiving I was being, both of others and of myself. He then spoke about what I believe should be the essentials of a spiritual person: love, acceptance, and patience. He told us to ease up on ourselves and each other, and to try to speak, act and think with love as the primary motivator. It was an incredible message and I felt very personally changed and challenged, and not in the way I was expecting. I came home resolved to be more loving and patient with my family and myself and the world in general.
Well, the weeks have passed and I feel my old self creeping back in. And then I feel frustrated that I couldn't just change overnight. It's the patience thing again-- the weakness I need to work on is gaining patience, and the only way to do that is to be... well, patient.
Tonight I was googling around to try to self-diagnose a little bit, and I came across a pretty good site (http://www.coping.org/growth/patient.htm if you want to check it out yourself) that had a description of how you feel when you're being impatient. It actually made me laugh out loud, because it's pretty much a description of how I've been feeling:
How do you feel when you are impatient?
irritated
agitated
ignored
frustrated
resentful
forgotten
anxious
burned out
misdirected
tense
over stressed
misunderstood
nervous
ill tempered
over responsible
Kind of funny, huh? And blah that I've been feeling like that! And even more blah that these feelings are all due to my own impatience!
The site has a couple of good exercises that I'm going to try, and hopefully these will help me relax a little bit and find joy and satisfaction in small, everyday progress.
The truth is that I do have a great life and I have so many incredible blessings. I just need to focus on being appreciative of the simple things and know that everything always works out for the best in the grand scheme of things. And stop checking my e-mail every two minutes. Sigh.
Okay, okay, I'm done for tonight. Back to fun stuff tomorrow! ;)