Today I read some of the new government website Stop Bullying. What a joke!
The site has snippets of information, as if a person has adjusted their attention span or reading comprehension level to that of Twitter or a Facebook status post. The information is too general. It also talks in ideals and is so far from reality that it is ridiculous. Did taxpayer money fund that? If so, we've been swindled.
Here are some reasons why I think bullying will never end, based on what I have seen in real life.
1. Kids in America have too little parental supervision. Kids are given too long of a leash. Kids are pushed off to the care of strangers, usually at age three or even two for preschool. Kids with working moms may start daycare at week six of life. Being raised in groups with not a small adult:child ratio sets kids up for misbehaving, simply as there is not enough time or not enough adult eyes to even witness the behavior.
Even when kids are "with their parents" such as at a social event with other people, I have seen kids do bad things when even six feet away from their parents. If an adult doesn't see it, it's like it does not happen. So what do you think happens when kids are on a school bus ride for a half hour twice a day? Mob rule is what happens. Lord of the Flies. Kids know this, which is why some observant kids look to see when the adults are not watching then they pounce. I have seen this with my own two eyes. Some kids are real manipulators.
2. Kids who are away at school all day then at after school care then at group extra-curricular events with a large child to adult ratio (i.e. elementary school football team) are mostly in the company of their peers. They learn from their peers what the norm is.
When you see things happening twenty times and never corrected or maybe corrected once, kids learn that it's okay to do that bad behavior even if some rule exists to say "don't do that thing". It's not unlike stretches of highway where all the adult drivers break the speed limit while going past a sign declaring what the law says. People do what they want and sometimes they are influenced by others, such as when a driver is riding our bumper we may push it and go faster than we thought we should go. Most of the time we are not caught so we don't even feel too badly about having done the wrong thing, that makes it easier to choose the wrong thing next time!
3. (Probably all) kids want to be accepted by their peers. Thus they join in and may do things that even their parents think is something bad that they hope their kids never do. Think about girls and their clique-y exclusionary behavior, when the decide who is in and who is out of the group and suddenly one girl gets excluded. If the dominant personality wants things one way, often the others go along. If you think this is too far fetched, think about how some adults you know behave, they are doing the same exact thing.
Look at how people bond together on common issues and tear down opponents. We don't have to look any further than political campaigns to see such behavior. People in the media do it also. Political talk shows on televison are brutal. We, as American citizens are supposed to look up to and respect those people but sometimes even Presidential candidates display behavior that some of us are trying to teach our KIDS not to engage in! Look at what our culture has become! How can we expect children to act any better than their own parents act and their political leaders act? In an ideal world the adults are responsible and mature and act right and are therefore role models for children, sadly, that's not what we see in America.
4. Adults in charge may be good at doing their job but they may lack leadership skills or may lack interpersonal skills to actually address problems. Time and time again I see people who can function well in a well operating atmosphere but when a real problem arises that needs leadership skills, everything crumbles.
A coach who loves a sport and can instruct others on the sport skills may not be good at interpersonal skills when dealing with a problem. They may be good at talking and communicating at the good stuff of their program, but when it's a situation about a problem they don't want to handle it.
Why a teacher who preaches that she hates bullying lets it go on, I cannot explain. How a principal can choose non-action is beyond my comprehension. Those people earn their living from working with children and they claim to care about kids. I'm at a loss there. If I didn't know some horror stories first-hand I would not believe this were true, but it is.
5. Adults who work with kids are often afraid of negative fallout from the parents of the bully if they addressed it. This ranges from sticky situations such as the coach is friends with the bully sport player's parents to preachers not wanting to upset large donors to the church. Everyone (except the parents of the victim) wants to keep all the parents happy and that includes the parents of the bullies. I have been told this by people in those positions. They choose to let the negative situation go on with the kids because they like having the parents happy with them. It's really warped because that person is supposed to be in that position to help kids not to keep adults who are not in the program happy with them.
6. Here's one that doesn't get talked about enough.
Some bullying victims bring the situation on themselves and they do not see the relationship of their role in the process. Thus, they repeat their actions over and over throughout the years and bring on negative social responses from their peers.
Some kids do not have a clear perspective on their own behavior and how it irritates or instigates other kids to have a negative reaction. Some kids (and adults) have a really hard time seeing things from another perspective. Some of these kids may have disorders, nonverbal learning disorder, Autism, Asperger's, or any number of conditions. Maybe they are just "socially awkward". Maybe they are just introverts who are shy or unskilled in how to participate in typical social interactions that our culture thinks is normal.
Other kids can be arrogant or rude and act superior to other kids. No one likes feeling that they are "lower" than the other and that they deserve to be looked down upon for things such as the family having less money than the other family, living in a smaller house, not having "the right" clothes or lacking the most current smart phone model.
The "know it all" kid and the "walking encyclopedia" are two irritating types of kids. When they act that way around their peers the message is "I am smarter than you, and you are stupid." When peers avoid contact with that kid the parent may say "these kids are not nice and they are snubbing my child just for being smarter than them". Just as no one should be insulted for not having the right brand of sneaker, no kid should be made to feel intellectually dumber than their peer.
No matter what the reason for kids to act various ways, the fact is that the kids can bring on the negative reactions themselves. Very little has been done to teach kids self-awareness and to change their behavior. I find it crazy that everyone wants the bullying kid to change their behavior but the kid who taunts and nudges others constantly to bring it on gets a pass. Everyone needs to recognize their role in interpersonal relations and accept responsibility for their own actions. It is true that people do sometimes bring negativity on themselves. It's their own darned fault!
7. Kids, and even teens, often lack good communication skills AND they are usually not attuned to put others ahead of themselves. This is why expecting bystander peers to stand up and stop the bullying rarely happens in real life.
8. The term bullying has become over-used and exaggerated. Parents now accuse bullying of happening when what happened is something very minor and a one-time incident.
10. Lastly, and most sadly, sometimes adults punish the victim for trying to protect themself instead of investigating and punishing the true bully. This teaches victims to learn to not fight back as they fear punishment for a crime that was committed on them.
---
What we have on our hands is adults in a system that has not only rules but sometimes also, state laws in effect who choose to not following those rules and laws. If adults are not willing to participate appropriately in their role (whether it's a paid job or they are a volunteer) then how can we expect little kids and teens to do the right thing? If mature and supposedly trusted and responsible adults can't handle the bullying situation how can we expect victims to stand up effectively for themselves and what about the coward bystanders?
Sadly, I think bullying will never end. In fact, not only will the bullying of children never end, but adults bullying other adults will never end. Bullying and even casual rude behavior are rampant in American culture with people of all ages, in all professions, and they are even leaders in our community and in our federal government.
I think our only hope for least damage on individuals is to learn how to stand up for oneself to try to deflect damage in the moment and then also to know coping skills to cope with the emotions that linger after the incident has ended.
I do not have faith that this federal government-created website is going to do anything to stop bullying. What matters more is what parents teach their kids.
As parents we should teach our kids these things: how to behave and try to implore them to act right and best in their interactions with others, teach them coping skills, and teach them our family values that we hope they use when in the moment.
Through discussions, parents can try to frame situations in discussions after the fact. Even talking with our kids such as after watching a movie about what happened in that story can help them learn about how to navigate interpersonal relations in their own life when and if certain situations arise in the future. When negative things happen in our kid's lives, we can talk about them after the incident is over and talk about ways that it could have been handled differently. We also decide on a case by case basis and depending on the age of the child, if parental intervention is necessary.