Last month while unpacking the stuff that had been in the storage unit I came across the book and I put it on my nightstand to start reading it (since I feel I need this now). Coincidentially a homeschool mom blogger, MFS of Mental Multivitamin mentioned in her blog post that she read this and her comment was,
"Read this as "research" for a piece You know what? This book actually frightened me. Apparently, some teenagers are really quite awful. Note to self: You won the parenting lottery. Thank you, LCpl M-mv and Misses."
Initial thoughts on the 1991 edition of the book:
I am disappointed at the continued reaction to teen outbursts or bad actions with the idea that nothing can or should be done, they should be left alone to continue to verbally abuse their parents or worse. That is way too laid back and hands off for me. You probably should know I had two very laid back parents who were too hands off with me and it led to some actions I wish never happened in my life. The pendulum has swung the other direction as I am more strict with my kids than my parents were with me.
Perhaps it is because I recently was at a Christian homeschool convention surrounded by (too much) talk of character training that I noticed that this secular parenting book seems to have no foundation in a core belief that there is right and wrong or that parents are entitled to some form of authority over their kids. I have never, ever been anti-secular parenting books in the past and thought that they all were basically in step with Christian views minus the Bible quotes or more direct mentioning of character traits.
The best think about the book though is that it explains some developmental changes as reasons behind why teens do what they do and this is all new to me. I was comforted to hear the psychology behind it and I see the issues in my two sons. I am using that part of the book to help me cope as they ride the roller coaster. One minute my kids act like super independent young adults and the next they are like little kids who can't even remember to brush their teeth. They are logical and reasonable one minute and the next completely illogical and unable to be reasoned with.
I was especially disturbed to read that it is normal for boys to self-isolate in the teen years (this does seem common but not with my kids much) and the author says to keep on letting them do it. Girls are said to like to be "in your face" arguing and manipulating you (no surprise to me). Boys are said to be easier as they leave you alone and go to their room and shut the door. What was troublesome for me was right after that the author said that the rates given for suicide for males spikes high in the teen years (girls are low in that age range) and the author says the boy's choice to self-isolate may lead some to the final act of suicide. Thus I am not happy with the idea of my boys closing their doors and trying to shut down the previously open lines of communication if I will be unable to detect if there is a real mental health issue. Could the author have a bias since he has girls and didn't have to worry that his hands off choice never led to his male teen killing themself? I bet if he had a son he would have given different advice. I will continue to work very hard to keep the lines of communication open.
I am horrified of the stories in this book of the way that some kids act. I so far have had only shades of this stuff and have experienced much more scaled down encounters. What has been happening here in my home has been a disappointment to me and insulting at times, and a few times downright verbally abusive (I consider being yelled at and sworn and called names being verbally abusive). However if you compare what we have in this family with what the book lays out for stories my kids are angels and I don't know what I am so upset about...
This 1991 edition (has blue in the title art on the cover) is outdated as it is the era of no mobile phones and no internet. Being virtually tied to our kids via text messaging and email is different than the era in the book of "they leave the house and they are out of communication until they get back home". I see the book was updated in 2002 with some different info on drugs and alcohol and new information on the internet. That was still too early to address the virtual apron strings of text messaging and apps that show the physical location of your kid's smart phones.
I plan to finish reading the book cover to cover.
Do you have any better books on parenting teens that you like?