I don't think I could say who I love more: my husband or my kids, as the two things are apples and oranges. I can't compare motherly love and the dedication I have given my kids as a full time mother and homeschool parent-teacher to what I feel as romantic love and 20+ years of friendship and companionship with my husband. Two different things that can't be weighed against each other, nor should they. It is not a contest.
I love and respect my husband for who he is: an adult man. What I like about him, his character, his word and deed, cannot be compared to our sons. I have mothered the challenging infant who needed to be held a lot, my heart pained when his cries could not be soothed (until I linked foods in my diet that affected him through my breastmilk and then eliminated them). Seeing my four year old get knocked off his bike and dislocating his elbow and fracturing his little arm made my heart hurt and ache. I wished I could heal him with the power of my love, but he needed an orthopedic surgeon's skills, x-ray guidance for the dislocation and a plaster cast and time to let his body repair itself, all I could do was nurture him through the healing process. Watching my kids struggle and feeling heartache is nothing like consoling my husband as he told me he'd lost his job due to corporate downsizing.
Sometimes the love and the energy I have poured into mothering and homeschooling has sapped the spark from my marriage, it just isn't the same as when we were carefree, problem-less, single and in the dating phase of our relationship. But other times job loss, sadness over the slow dying of a close relative and mourning the death of friends and family was soul-draining: I had little to give except to those who demanded it the most on a minute by minute basis (my children). However now that my kids are teens and preteens my relationship with my kids is less draining and I am no longer being pulled in three directions every single moment of the day and I have energy left over for what feels like an indulgence: nurturing my romantic relationship with my spouse.
Last June I flew to Houston, alone, to meet my husband who was already down here working. Our task was to look for locations to move to, where we thought we'd like to buy a house and then to find a rental home in the same vicinity. As soon as I arrived, it felt like it was just us. You see since the kids arrived we had not ever taken a vacation away from our kids.
In a small guest house of a friend it was like we were on our honeymoon again. I enjoyed the feeling of being completely free of mothering duties except if you want to consider that I was there to do a serious and important task as a mother: find a safe and decent rental home for our family to live in which was a decent enough space to homeschool in that had plentiful extra-curricular activities for them to do.
We were carefree on that long weekend. My husband showed me his new office and I met his co-workers. We went out to dinner and tried the best Vietnamese food in the area. We had a fancy dinner with his co-worker and his wife. I was over-stimulated by Houston and its difference in comparison to my lifelong home of Connecticut and it defiantly was not Cape Cod or Maine, both of those places I consider to be my home away from home, the places are a part of me. I took photos and soaked in the strong sunshine and was continually surprised by the high heat and humidity. All of my senses were on overload.
On that weekend I had my first glimpse of what it would be like when our kids were both away at college. I was reminded again of what it is like to be just us, just a couple. I realized then how much my life had changed since becoming a mother and how I missed that simpler feeling of just dealing with me and my husband. Wow, that felt easy.
Who do I love more: my husband or my kids? I can't answer the question, they are two different kinds of love. The relationships have different needs. The mother/child relationship changes gradually every single day from the time they are born, it is ever-evolving and it unfolds in the moment. Thanks to homeschooling I'm with my kids nearly constantly, even an hour or two being dropped off at some class or sport practice still involves driving to and from and it's not long enough to really feel free.
The relationship of parent and dependent child can't be compared to the relationship of two adults who are unique and able to be independent but who have chosen to become one through marriage. My husband and I are independent yet dependent; we are partners who have chosen to share our lives together for the long term. It's a mature relationship with a strong foundation. We vowed to remain together through sickness and in health, for better or for worse, and so far we have both followed through on that promise.
I love my sons and I love my husband. No one should judge whether they think who I love more, it's none of anyone else's business. I give all the love I can to my husband and to each of my kids. If someone feels they're not getting enough they'll have to settle and realize I'm giving all I have and that will have to be good enough.